Teasers
by Alias - Eyelash - Blue
Summary: Teasers are rich kids who land on planets that haven't made interstellar contact and parade up and down wearing antennae and making beep noises. Maite and Lexi are bored teenage space travellers who get grounded on earth after a tease goes wrong.
1. Chapter 1

_Ford - "Teasers are usually rich kids with nothing to do. They cruise around looking for planets which haven't made interstellar contact yet and buzz them."_

_"Buzz them?" Arthur began to feel that Ford was enjoying making life difficult for him._

_"Yeah," Ford said, "They buzz them. They find some isolated spot with very few people around, then land right by some poor unsuspecting soul whom no ones ever going to believe and then strut up and down in front of him wearing silly antennae on their head and making _beep beep_ noises. Rather childish really,"_

_

* * *

_

Maite looked up and down the control panel of his new Koolfrood 5000. The lights blinked excitedly at him, but in fact meant nothing; the whole purpose of this ship was to look more high tech than it actually was. He had actually wanted the Starbuster hypergon with impact sensitivity, real working missiles, and radar to warn you of incoming vessels, but his father, of course, refused to buy it. Instead he had been bought the Koolfrood for his coming of age at 100 years old, which admittedly looked cool, and satisfyingly expensive, but in reality was teenager proof, and only three of the buttons actually did anything. And most annoyingly of all, had been fitted with GPP (Genuine people personality) so he actually owned a ship that tried to _relate_ to him.

"Hey you froody Star cruiser. Nice light year for kickin' back with those cute alien chicks from Venus, huh?" The computer drawled, sounding slightly strained.

Maite groaned and rolled his eyes over at his companion. Lexi gave him a sympathetic smile. She cast her eyes around the ship's interior. Maite, quite clearly, was not impressed, but she quite liked the ships design, which was probably why he didn't. It was sleek and stylish in appearances and there were, thankfully, no lightening bolts, go faster stripes, or boy racer motifs, which Maite was disappointed with, but she was cheered by. Lexi liked the clean, simple curves of the ship, and she liked the small control room; it was cosy. The carefully laid controls utterly failed to look fast or exciting, which was good because Lexi found space travel rather nervous.

"You cool kids wanna go anyplace specific or shall we just hang?" The computer said, quickly losing its casual tone, and adopting a rather more worried one, as Maite began to try and disconnect it's speech centres. "Now hold up now and chill-" It began rather urgently before cutting out abruptly.

"So you just shut up, yeah?" Maite said, triumphantly standing up, holding half a cable. He threw it to the floor angrily. "Well this just stinks," he muttered, "All I wanted was my own ship, and I get a box with launch pads and a computer that totally tries too hard,"

"It's not too bad," Lexi said, "At least you have a ship. My mum won't even get me a PR (Personal Robot) until I'm 200,"

"Well," Maite said, rather snidely, "With all our money, I'd ask my father to buy you one, but you'd probably end up with the LittleGirlLearner," He sat down grumpily in the Captain's chair, adding, "And it would be pink!"

Lexi knew Maite's relationship with his father was touch and go, as in for the last couple of years it had been handshake and then years away in space. Maite had, as far as she could see, settled into hating his father with enjoyment, and spent many days trying to embarrass or outdo his elder. The Koolfrood 5000 had been the retaliation of a particularly long war between the two, which Maite had lost, hence the Koolfrood. Apparently the loss still annoyed him, as Maite kicked the computer and directed a rather derogatory remark to her regarding her map reading skills.

"Look it's not my fault!" Lexi shot back at him angrily, "I didn't even want to come on this trip. You know I hate space travel. Where the hell are we anyway?"

"I don't even know! You can't even connect to the galactic star guide on this thing. And the planet recognition system doesn't work!"

"Let me try," Lexi sighed frustratedly. She stomped over to the useless control panel, pushing Maite out of her way as she went. Their families had decided that she and Maite would become partners eventually, and most times she didn't mind the idea because he was nice in his own way, but other times, like now, when he was being deliberately apathetic and unhelpful, the thought of spending the rest of her life traveling the galaxy with him was unbearable. "There!" she said, flicking a random looking switch, "We're in..." she trailed her finger over the co-ordinates, "...Section ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. Happy?"

The small, blue green planet rose up into th centre of the viewing window. Planet Earth looked promisingly unprepared. Maite leaned forward, and the casual boredom was replaced by a slow smile. "Hey, you wanna have some fun?"

Lexi looked at him to see if he was joking. He wasn't. "You have got to be joking," she said hopefully.

"Lets Buzz them!" Maite urged excitedly.

"No, we can't!" Lexi hissed, "My parents would kill me! Anyway, we've already done this planet three times, it's not even funny anymore!"

"Oh, it's hilarious," Maite cried, steering the ship towards the planet.

"They're getting suspicious, and those NASA people nearly caught us last time,"

"Lexi relax," Maite said, with annoying superiority.

"I suppose I'll have to go along with this?" Lexi said with resignation. Maite grinned at her, leaned back and draped one arm round her shoulders, whilst he steered lazily with the other. The only time Lexi saw animation in his eyes was when he was doing something adrenalin fueled and stupid. The only time he seemed to appreciate her company was when he was doing something adrenalin fueled and stupid. Lexi sat next to him as they descended on the planet.

"Woo!" Maite cried, "Look out planet Earth!"


	2. Chapter 2

Lexi thought Maite must have been feeling particularly aggravating today because he landed the ship in the middle of a field full of cows... in Yorkshire. The farm animals fled to the edges of the field as the large, silver ship's landing pads emerged and touched down, sending mud, and other substances that, for now, we shall call mud flying in all directions.

Maite leaped out of the craft before the steps had even unfolded all the way, and sprang to the ground in delight. "Look! Cows!" he cried, "I love Cows!" He jumped up and down, but stopped when he realised every time he did he sunk a little lower into the mud coloured mixture. "It's very sludgy," he commented, "...and brown. I was expecting it to be green somehow," Lexi sighed with exaggerated patience and made her way primly down the ship's gleaming steps, stopping at the bottom one. She spotted a figure on the other side of the field struggling towards them; it was largely sludgy and brown coloured. She looked at Maite, and back at the oncoming figure, and predicted what would happen.

Coincidentally, and rather appropriately, the man running towards them was called, Trevor Brown. "Here, you!" he shouted in outrage at the hooligans spreading his field in all directions. "This is private land, you can't drive your fancy four wheel drive contraptions over here," He was so angry he marched up to the two young vandals and their vehicle without fully taking in the situation. "Listen you _youngster_," he said, as if it was the dirtiest, most offensive word anyone could possibly use. "Thanks to you stirring up the soil I'm covered in-"

"Croydon!" Maite said quite loudly. Trevor had opened his mouth, about to argue, reprimand, and rant simultaneously, but this comment threw him off. He closed his mouth again.

_"The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy notes that 'Croydon' is a swearword originating from the planet Altiar. Coincidentally it is also a settlement in South London. The word's equivalent on earth would be an exclamation of surprise or annoyance relating to the bowel movements of their ape like inhabitants such as 'Crap!'. The Guide also says that Belgium is the most offensive word in the known universe,"_

Maite brought out of his pocket a small device that looked slightly like a flashing, bleeping, extremely experimental key chain. "Oh dear," he said.

"Spaceship," Trevor said in a very high voice, looking at the towering thing above him.

Maite ignored him. He peered intently at the small, bleeping thing in his hand. Lexi half turned back to the ship in surprise as she heard the computer flick itself back on.

"Lexi. I think you'd better get over here," Maite shouted, just as the computer said in a voice that was dramatic, yet cool, "Dudes, I think I'm gonna blow!"

"Oh, god," Maite said, half in annoyance, half in horror. Lexi jumped nimbly from the step and ran with surprising agility and speed away from the smoking ship. She reached Maite and turned to watch the ship's impressive combustion. Every single part of the ship was engulfed by fire at the same moment, and the flames stretched high into the grey sky.

"It's not supposed to do that!" Maite cried angrily.

"Your powers of intuition are amazing Maite!" Lexi said sarcastically.

"It just blew up!"

"I hadn't noticed,"

They watched the blackened mess in silence for a moment. Trevor stood behind them, forgotten. Maite's key ring began to bleep again, and it seemed to wake Trevor from his stunned silence. "What's that?" was all he could think to say.

"It's my father," Maite said darkly. He pressed a button on the key ring and a life size hologram erupted from it and stood before them in the field. The hologram was of a flickering man, who glared at Maite. Miate saluted him. "Father," he said, with no inflection in his voice. The man was tall, and old, but strong looking. He was holding a cane, but it seemed more for style than anything else. The man was dressed in a long red robe.

"How many times do I have to call you Maite, before you pick up?"

"Did you blow up my ship?" Maite asked in reply.

"Of course I did!" The man said irritably, "You're so reckless, and you despise that ship, so I thought I'd save you the trouble of destroying it yourself. This is your final punishment Maite," His father said, with a rather wicked smile.

"What is?"

"You're grounded," the old man said, working up to his punchline, "On earth," his smile was devilish. "For two weeks!"

"No!" Maite cried. His father leaned forward over him, "Don't question your elders Maite," he said. The effect was ruined slightly when a cow wandered through his stomach.

"But I can't. Gratoth is having a party at Betelgeuse 7, and I'd said I'd be there!"

"Don't lie to me!" He suddenly roared, "You and I both know Betelgeuse 7 was destroyed by the Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster of Gal. Your second great half cousin died on that planet so don't use it as an excuse for your tomfoolery!"

"The Club Betelgeuse 7. The Club, Father, not the planet!" Maite said exasperated.

"The punishment still stands," The man said sternly, before the hologram cut out and disappeared. They stood in silence for a few seconds more.

Finally Lexi said, "Well this is just the _best _day!" Unlike on Betelguese 7, where they have no concept of sarcasm, for Maite and Lexi's race of hyper intelligent pan dimensional beings it was almost their only form of communication. "I really can't think of anything I'd rather be doing," she continued lightly, "A whole two weeks on a half dead planet with you, dear Maite. I honestly can't think of a better way to spend my - "

"Thank you! I get the point!" Maite snapped, "Did you know this would happen?"

Lexi looked guilty. "He rigged the ship to blow when you landed,"

"I had to pick Earth didn't I!" Maite said stamping the ground.

"I'm here to make sure you don't do anything stupid," Lexi said uncertainly.

"Oh good!" Maite said sarcastically.

"So," said Trevor uncertainly, he couldn't quite understand what was going on, "Who exactly.. er... are you, and what are you doing here?"

"Hello!" Maite said brightly, saluting him in greeting, "I'm an alien from the planet Altiar. I did come here originally to have a bit of fun scaring you. I was going to do it properly too, with green paint and stick on extra eyes and things, but it seems my ship was blown up in your field. I do hope none of your cows got hurt. I do like cows, and do you by any chance know a nice place to stay for two weeks?"

Lexi hid her head in her hands.

Trevor had never before been asked this question, and was stumped for a moment. Then he thought of an unwanted leaflet that had been sent from his travel agents as a yearly reminder that he was still paying them.

"Apparently Belgium's quite nice this time of year," he said nervously.


	3. Chapter 3

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_Thanks to everyone who reviewed and everyone who happens to be reading this. Always know where your towels are!_

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"Sorry," Maite said again for about the seventeenth time.

"It's a country Maite," Lexi repeated, bringing her count up to twelve.

"He said the 'B word'," Maite continued to justify himself.

"Which I say again is _a country_. Belgium is _a country_!" Maite flinched dramatically at the use of the word.

"I just thought-"

"Well don't!" Lexi snapped. A moody silence descended between the two extra-terrestrials. Maite had thought he was being insulted and had retaliated in the traditional way of his species – by disintegrating every single hair follicle on Trevor Browns body, because on their home planet baldness is the most humiliating punishment someone can have placed upon them. Oddly, but left unexplained, it wasn't the first complaint of sudden hair loss received by the West Yorkshire police department.

Maite had gotten them arrested, within ten minutes of arriving, and they were now sitting side by side in a small, barren holding room. It was the third one they'd been placed in during their half hour stay, mostly because Maite kept trying to hit every police officer they came into contact with. Lexi had a pretty good idea it had something to do with him liking far too much Brockian Ultra-cricket, but she burst out of her thoughts to ask anyway.

"Why do you have to do that?" she exploded angrily.

"Sorry," Maite said immediately, but it didn't sound like he knew what he was apologosing for.

"Stop hitting people! They think you're attacking them!"

"I was only trying to make friends," he sulked. Lexi failed to see the logic in this. She also failed to see the humour, as it had resulted in them getting their possessions, and fingerprints confiscated.

"The Guide said Brockian Ultra-Cricket was voted the most fun game in the galaxy, whilst simultaneously being the most likely game to get you lynched in certain parts of Alpha Centuri and is therefore the best way to make polite acquaintance, even if other people don't like you much," Maite quoted quite loudly.

"Well I suggest you start listening to that guide," Lexi huffed.

"I was," Maite sighed. Silence filled the room again for about ten minutes or so, neither of them bothered to be accurate. They spent it peering with rather dull non-interest around their room. It was small, square, nicely carpeted, but with a rather disturbing shade of green mixed with beige that reminded Maite unpleasantly of a planet he used to visit with his grandmother that had been created by Magrathea solely for tourists.

"So," Maite said eventually. Lexi glared at him, rather harshly. "Do you think anything interesting or exciting with happen in the near future?" he said, looking eagerly around the room again. There was nothing to occupy his attention, and so he found his searching eyes crawling back to Lexi's face.

"No," she said flatly, with her arms folded.

"So," he repeated nervously, "Do you want to get out of this room then?" He tried to smile disarmingly at Lexi.

"What?" she said, unfolding her arms.

"Well, It is very small in here, and there's nothing to do, and I''m getting rather bored, and-" He leaned over, and felt around at floor level, "I still have this," he said, pulling something out of his sock. Lexi looked in wonder at the tiny device Maite was holding up for her to see.

"Well why didn't you mention that earlier?" she said weakly.

* * *

Niel stared at the angry, bald man vibrating in front of him. "So you're telling me that you had hair before you became bald?" he repeated, trying to gain some meaning other than the totally obvious.

"Yes!" Trevor cried triumphantly, the only part of him not covered in green slime, was the shiny top of his completely hairless head. He was clearly insane, Niel thought reassuringly to himself, either that or incredibly literal. Next to Trevor stood Sargent Manton, who had a bag of frozen peas over one already swelling black eye. "That's what the kid did to me!" he said gesturing to the eye, "Keeps insisting he's and alien," he grumbled angrily, with increasing volume.

"He _is_ an alien!" Trevor insisted. Niel looked at his desk and fiddled with the assorted coins. None of the coins looked like they belonged to any currency he could name and he was struggling to make sense of them, let alone the confusing situation life seemed to have hurled at him. He rolled a gold circlet back and forth under his fingertips and the unearthly inscriptions flashed back at him. Niel is a very nice man. It's an extremely unimaginative adjective, but that is what he was. Niel is so nice, in fact, he shouldn't have to deal with all this uncertainty and Alien nonsense at his time of life, so from now on we shall call him 'Rick', because now it's so much easier to feel he deserves this.

Rick looked up from his desk as a door was flung open theatrically. A female police officer marched towards them . She handed a piece of paper to the sergeant and glanced quickly at Trevor, before saying, "Sarge, these fingerprints are unusual," she paused, "Inhuman," she finished doubtfully.

"I told you so!" Trevor cried, clearly hanging onto his sanity by a thread. Rick shook his head in dumb disbelief, and looked down at his desk again. Rick A.K.A Niel, thought only of his three children, and how pleased they would be that their concrete belief in aliens had finally been confirmed as truth, rather than thinking of Rick's three children who were probably greedy, expectant little 'so and sos'.

"These prints are..." The Sargent searched wildly for a word. "Weird," was all he could think of.

"And these coins," Rick/Niel interjected despite himself. "They're weird," Trevor nodded emphatically. "And this!" Niel held the strange, device at arms length. It had the words 'Don't Panic," printed in large, friendly letters on its cover. "This is the worst!" Niel continued wretchedly, waving the thing around. The strange book, not looking unlike an overlarge pocket calculator slid out of it's cover and made a large 'smack' noise as it hit the floor. A green light from its index screen illuminated the room, and words rolled across its screen as it simultaneously spoke the words, _"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy,"_

The three officers and Trevor shared a worried glance. They all took several deep, calming breath's and the Sargent said, "I think we've just discovered something important," It wasn't the best line in existence, more stating the obvious, but he was not prepared for history defining moments. Niel picked up the book again gingerly as it began to speak:

"_Earth," _ It began,_ "Is pretty much, you know, in general, well, for all known purpose and intention, mostly harmless,"_

There was a quiet hum as the book switched itself off, and that was the only sound.

"Wow," Came a voice, "That's impressive. They've really improved it haven't they? Obviously after some extensive research. That is really very thorough," Maite walked cheerfully across the room, oblivious to the stares. Niel took in his appearance. The tall, graceful teen strolling towards him, his arms and legs were just slightly long enough to be disconcerting and his skin had a faint tinge of blue. He was also sporting electric blue hair. Niel surrendered the book hurriedly, and Maite took it, grinning happily, a sight that made Niel feel very ill at ease. Maite tapped the cover of the book, and said to the room in general, "Don't Panic," He grinned again, " Now, I may have blown a hole in the wall of your lovely little room back there,"

They panicked, and Maite stood amidst the chaos of it all looking quite content.


	4. Chapter 4

"It's really only a small scale particle disintergrater," Maite was saying, examining his burnt out looking key chain, while everyone else stared at the pile of rubble. Maite reverently unhooked the smoking particle disintergrater from his key chain, weighing it in his hand.

"That's it! The stick thing that stole my hair," Trevor almost shouted, because he hadn't quite finished panicking yet, although nobody was really listening to him.

"Do all your possessions have an explosive feature now?" Lexi asked.

"Not that I was aware of," Maite muttered. "I think it might be something to do with the atmosphere,"

Lexi turned to look at him incredulously. "What has the atmosphere got to do with anything?"

"Well there's a lot of methane, and if you're gonna have cows-"

"Forget I asked," she said quickly.

* * *

Tricia McMillian knocked again on the polished wood, but still nobody came. She put her bag down with a sigh, and leaned, but not untidily, against the counter. This small town Police station, seemed to have so little people, or so little crime, that there was actually nobody in the building.

Trust her to get the prank calls.

She was used to it by now. After a month of advertising as an Alien expert it was only a rare occasion when the call wasn't someone's clever idea of a joke. She was so prepared for it now, she'd actually brought a magazine so she could wait until someone for her to shout at turned up.

She smoothed out her smart suit and curled an escaping string of hair behind her ear. She looked professional, and businesslike. She was not going for the dishevelled insane look, as 'crazy alien hunter' did not suit her.

Eventually, giving up, she pulled herself up onto the counter, crossing her legs over, and unfolding her magazine, only to have it forced below her reading level by some unknown hand. She tried to fight against it for a minute before realising that was stupid and letting her hands drop.

The face that emerged as she lowered the magazine was not what she had been expecting. The slender, almost feline face pulled the papers down further, peering into her eyes.

"Trillian?" It said, with only a hint of a question mark.

Tricia jerked quite violently away at the use of that name; it having sparked some unpleasant memories. That was the name she had used about a year ago when she had recklessly taken off with a two headed Alien, who had happened to be president of the galaxy at the time.

Later, she had come to regret it, as it had mostly consist of being pursued by ugly prosecutors, and drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, which after a while wasn't as fun as it had first seemed. Tricia had, however maintained an unhealthy curiosity for the unearthly, which placed her firmly in the 'raving lunatic' category among her colleagues and supposed friends.

On the whole, she was rather comforted, hearing her other name, if a little suspicious.

"Yes...?" she said, very slowly.

The face grinned, and Trillian realised who it was. "Maite," she said, her warm welcome drying up very quickly.

Maite nodded enthusiastically. He was the son of the Captain who had coined the name 'The Starship Heart of Gold'. She had the vague idea that his father had slaughtered a few planets and gained some award, and the honour of naming the first ship with the improbability drive. Tricia remembered him from the launching ceremony; if she recalled correctly he had been the one that had wooped loudly, as everyone else gasped, when Zaphod stole the ship.

"Do you have the ship?" he asked, a little urgently. Tricia shook her head. "Oh," he said, "Well, It just might have been useful just now,"

A door banged, running feet, sounding as if someone was trying to cover as much ground in as little time as possible. The 'someone' leaped over the counted top, over Tricia's head, who ducked in alarm. Lexi nearly crashed into Maite as she landed and skidded to a stop.

"I think we need to leave soon," she said breathlessly, then, "Oh, hey Trill!" As if it was a pleasant surprise, but not really unexpected.

"Hi Lexi," Tricia answered, feeling a bit like this was some well executed joke, done deliberately to send her over the edge.

"Is Zaphod here?" Maite asked, looking around the room as if he expected him to appear; the president was his one idol.

"Well if he does turn up, it'll add to the amount of people I didn't expect to see today," Trillian muttered. "What are you too doing here?"

Maite shrugged. "Oh, you know... sightseeing,"

"He's grounded," Lexi answered for him.

"That doesn't surprise me," Tricia said.

"Why are you here?" Lexi asked.

"I was called out to remove two self confessed Aliens who were apparently causing havoc with beeping key chains," Tricia said, with a steely glint in her eye as she watched their reactions.

Lexi looked a little guilty, even though Tricia knew she probably wasn't the culprit. Maite only smiled and said, "Yeah that was fun, although kind of accidental,"

Before anyone could say anything else the door banged open again and a small, but angry mob marched in.

"Ah, good!" The Sargent shouted, marching forward; the mob, consisting of about three people filed in behind him, trying to look like there was more angry people involved.

"Are you the McMillian woman?" He asked.

"I am Tricia McMillan," Tricia replied, piercing him with a hard glare. She relented as she watched the already shaken Sargent deflate under her stare. "I can take these two off your hands," She said.

"Well... good," he said, and the angry mob behind echoed him.

"Well this has been..." Maite began, but mumbled into silence.

"Interesting," Lexi finished for him.

"Disturbing," Neil added, from behind the Sargent.

"Unhinging," Trevor stammered.

"Fascinating," The Female officer suggested.

"Nauseating," Maite said loudly.

Everybody simultaneously turned to look quizzically at him. "I'm sorry," he said suddenly, "I thought we were just naming adjectives, and It's one of my favourite english words," He beamed at them all.

"I'd say it was pretty accurate," Tricia muttered, before saying to the room at large, "I suppose we'd better be going,"

She tried to place a hand on Maite's shoulder, before realising he was a couple inches taller than her, and settled for gripping his arm tightly, smiling benignly at the group of farmers and police officers, before dragging the Aliens outside.

"You two with me!"


End file.
